clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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