Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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