There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
