Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
