Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's blow job season.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
