watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
this beer tastes like vomit already
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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