Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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