Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
