I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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