Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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