Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
