I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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