So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
