I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
