I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
