either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
