I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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