What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
