then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
