No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
