So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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