you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
