Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
