Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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