Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
