I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
