Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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