I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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