note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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