Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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