It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
