The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
