we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
