No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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