New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
