I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
