i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
