I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
