I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
