i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its liver damage thursday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
