Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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