my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
