Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
