When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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