Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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