I think I won the penis lottery.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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