I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
