I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
