You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
