when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
