Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
