When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
