wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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