never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
